I love the song "Hard to Concentrate" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I feel like they are singing to me personally when they say "All I want is for you to be happy..." Thanks RHCP, that's all I want too.
I have been finding it hard to concentrate lately, with all of the decisions to be made floating around my head. My LSAT score was not as high as I had hoped. It is as high as I expected, but I pretended to myself that it would be higher. Studying for the thing was a feat in itself what with family issues, full time work, another job/volunteer commitment much like an additional 20hr a week job. I swear, aside from weekend, I have about 3 hours each day that I can use for whatever I'd like...cleaning, cooking, winding down from work, dealing with family issues at home and oh yes, studying. I hate having to get up so early to get to work (between 5am-6am) and getting home so late 6pm when I'm lucky. I can't stay up late because I have to wake up early the next day, and if I do decide to stay up pas 10, I wake up late the next morning. It's all a vicious cycle that I try to remedy on weekends with extra sleep on Saturdays, but Sunday nights I end up staying up late with my sister who's only off on that one day.
Anyway, what I mean to say is, I have a busy schedule and a lot of commitments to many different people. I'm sure others have just as many, but it doesn't make it any easier.
26.10.09
7.7.09
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6.7.09
I Will Get There
After completely ignoring me he thinks just because he feels like talking it's necessarily the case that i want anything to do with him which is very far from the truth. He sent me a text asking when i'd get home so he can pick me up. I haven't replied nor do i plan to. I'd rather take a four hour bus trip to my home which is only 4 minutes away. Needless to say, I will NOT be letting him know when I'll be home. I really need my iPod back though.
I spent pretty much all day today looking at posts on failblog.org and I was thoroughly entertained. I should have been studying for the LSAT but I just didn't feel like it. Maybe later tonight I'll make a bigger dent in my Logical Reasoning book. I kind of just want to feel miserable and sleep. That's an urge I have trouble fending off. I really need to focus, not just on the LSAT but on everything that needs to be done.
I spent pretty much all day today looking at posts on failblog.org and I was thoroughly entertained. I should have been studying for the LSAT but I just didn't feel like it. Maybe later tonight I'll make a bigger dent in my Logical Reasoning book. I kind of just want to feel miserable and sleep. That's an urge I have trouble fending off. I really need to focus, not just on the LSAT but on everything that needs to be done.
4.7.09
Now I Don't
I've always wanted to send a postcard in to postsecret so that it would show up on the web. I don't think I would feel any better once I saw it up there, but I just wanted to feel like I had a secret to be shared. Really, it's not a secret, but I've kept it from many people including him.
Anyway, I thought everything was going well ever since the incident that led him to the hospital. It was never my intention for him to end up there, but let me explain. I'm starting from the beginning and getting this all off my chest so that at least it's somewhere all in one place that I can refer to.
So I met this person, through family, and he's actually related to me, though distantly, which is okay in my culture (btw, we're legally married in his country so we'd have to get divorced). I liked the way he talked to me, he sounded sweet so I continued. Once we began chatting, I started thinking... I doubt this will work out, I should just end it now before anything more happens. Of course, our only way of communicating was through the internet or phone and he preferred the phone, of course. I told my mother how I felt, that I think he is not right for me, but she convinced me to move forward and to give him a chance. In Egypt at the time, I had friends and others who would tell me conflicting things...you should go ahead and give it a shot since you're only thinking in your old mindset and you're not giving him a chance because you are unwilling to change you thinking. It turns out I should have never given a rat's ass what anyone thought but me. I live with the error of my ways every day and wish I could go back to those days in Egypt when I had the opportunity to end this thing easily without hurting anyone.
My mother convinced me I wouldn't be able to find anyone better. I guess I can't really blame her since I made all the decisions, but damn did she give me a fucking hard time deciding.
Minus all of the details, I've had the same thought all along: he's not right for me. I've given him hints about what I feel, and we'd try again, but then something he'd do would really annoy me or he'd get mad at me for some stupid thing or another and we'd start back again. I decided the easiest way to end this thing would be for me to make him hate me, but that backfired of course, and he confronted me on why I was ignoring him and why I didn't call and blah blah blah. We left each other that night on not-so-happy terms, and later we received a call from a friend of his saying he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. The doc said it was an inflammed esophagus or something that could have been brought on by the heavy lifting he had done earlier that day (which was not that heavy cuz I did the same fucking lifting). It was sort of like a panic attack. He claims it was because of our "argument" but told me not to tell anyone that and just blame the heavy lifting. So of course I felt fucking guilty for what happened to him. But once we were at the hospital, I could tell that he was just being a big fucking baby and that just pissed me off even more. So while my mother mistook my guilt for care, he did as well. So I said, okay, for the sake of the LSAT which is my biggest concern at the moment, I'll pretend we're okay and try to get along with him because if we stay on bad terms, I won't be able to concentrate.
He comes over today and we're good, then he asks if I saw my cousin that was back from "Brazil" and I said yes. He asked if I hugged him and I told him no at first, but he kept pushing and I told him the truth that he hugged me. So he gets mad and brings up the time when I hugged another male cousin of mine at his sister's funeral. I can't believe I'm even writing this, that's how stupid it is, and he is. So he left our house in a hurry because he is mad that I let him hug me. First of all, my cousin is like a brother, secondly, it was fucking hug. WTF. Thirdly, I don't think anyone else besides him is interested in me anyway, so he shouldn't waste time being jealous. What an idiot.
So I'm hoping now that this latest episode can lead us to the end of our relationship some time soon. I'm so so tired of this and feel so incredibly stupid for putting myself in this situation. If I had only gone with MY instincts and done what I thought was right, I would be a much happier person right now. These two years have been the worst of my life. I've felt hopeless and stuck at every turn. I'm giving my best to get into law school and am hoping to put all of this crap behind me.
At any point of my day I feel like I can break down and cry, but I do my best to keep it in.
I wish I hadn't been so stupid.
I suppose I deserve the misery.
Anyway, I thought everything was going well ever since the incident that led him to the hospital. It was never my intention for him to end up there, but let me explain. I'm starting from the beginning and getting this all off my chest so that at least it's somewhere all in one place that I can refer to.
So I met this person, through family, and he's actually related to me, though distantly, which is okay in my culture (btw, we're legally married in his country so we'd have to get divorced). I liked the way he talked to me, he sounded sweet so I continued. Once we began chatting, I started thinking... I doubt this will work out, I should just end it now before anything more happens. Of course, our only way of communicating was through the internet or phone and he preferred the phone, of course. I told my mother how I felt, that I think he is not right for me, but she convinced me to move forward and to give him a chance. In Egypt at the time, I had friends and others who would tell me conflicting things...you should go ahead and give it a shot since you're only thinking in your old mindset and you're not giving him a chance because you are unwilling to change you thinking. It turns out I should have never given a rat's ass what anyone thought but me. I live with the error of my ways every day and wish I could go back to those days in Egypt when I had the opportunity to end this thing easily without hurting anyone.
My mother convinced me I wouldn't be able to find anyone better. I guess I can't really blame her since I made all the decisions, but damn did she give me a fucking hard time deciding.
Minus all of the details, I've had the same thought all along: he's not right for me. I've given him hints about what I feel, and we'd try again, but then something he'd do would really annoy me or he'd get mad at me for some stupid thing or another and we'd start back again. I decided the easiest way to end this thing would be for me to make him hate me, but that backfired of course, and he confronted me on why I was ignoring him and why I didn't call and blah blah blah. We left each other that night on not-so-happy terms, and later we received a call from a friend of his saying he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. The doc said it was an inflammed esophagus or something that could have been brought on by the heavy lifting he had done earlier that day (which was not that heavy cuz I did the same fucking lifting). It was sort of like a panic attack. He claims it was because of our "argument" but told me not to tell anyone that and just blame the heavy lifting. So of course I felt fucking guilty for what happened to him. But once we were at the hospital, I could tell that he was just being a big fucking baby and that just pissed me off even more. So while my mother mistook my guilt for care, he did as well. So I said, okay, for the sake of the LSAT which is my biggest concern at the moment, I'll pretend we're okay and try to get along with him because if we stay on bad terms, I won't be able to concentrate.
He comes over today and we're good, then he asks if I saw my cousin that was back from "Brazil" and I said yes. He asked if I hugged him and I told him no at first, but he kept pushing and I told him the truth that he hugged me. So he gets mad and brings up the time when I hugged another male cousin of mine at his sister's funeral. I can't believe I'm even writing this, that's how stupid it is, and he is. So he left our house in a hurry because he is mad that I let him hug me. First of all, my cousin is like a brother, secondly, it was fucking hug. WTF. Thirdly, I don't think anyone else besides him is interested in me anyway, so he shouldn't waste time being jealous. What an idiot.
So I'm hoping now that this latest episode can lead us to the end of our relationship some time soon. I'm so so tired of this and feel so incredibly stupid for putting myself in this situation. If I had only gone with MY instincts and done what I thought was right, I would be a much happier person right now. These two years have been the worst of my life. I've felt hopeless and stuck at every turn. I'm giving my best to get into law school and am hoping to put all of this crap behind me.
At any point of my day I feel like I can break down and cry, but I do my best to keep it in.
I wish I hadn't been so stupid.
I suppose I deserve the misery.
